Saturday, September 29, 2012

An emotional Rollercoaster!

I may complain just a tad in this post sorry to those that read it.


This week I am about 26 weeks along. When I was pregnant with little Dawning I don’t remember feeling the way I have been feeling lately. Not only am I bigger with little Hope (this is the meaning of her name) I feel like she is going to come out the wrong way! I don’t mean breach or butt first but rather through my stomach. I feel like I am carrying around a giant bowling ball.


I have not really slept in about three days and part of this is because I’m pregnant and can’t get comfortable (even with a body pillow), the other part is because Dawning is teething. She has been teething for two months and this morning one tooth finally popped through. That was after a very long night of tears and snuggles from both this momma and her new favorite big bird (that she stole from the church). Tonight has been the same thing. Except I think she has a very bad headache to go with her teething pain. Nothing momma or daddy tries to do is right. She’s so attached to momma that daddy has to get things for us.


To add to my little bit of sleep my hubby is sick. With this sickness that he has (just a cold) he is moaning and groaning throughout the nights. I have told him to shut up...Not that he remembers any of it. My poor husband also has picked this time to start going back to school! I am very proud of him don’t get me wrong. He is sick, working full time and trying to take for the next 9 weeks now two classes.


I am trying hard to be that most amazing supportive wife...yet I’m finding myself a tad jealous and a tad frustrated with him. I would love to go back to school! I hate that I failed at it. Well I didn’t fail I just failed to complete it. I feel frustrated with him because I try my hardest to do everything I can to make his life easier and now I don’t seem to have any energy to get out of bed. I feel the need to start looking for work again...There really is nothing that I can do as a stay at home mom without leaving my house. If I go back to work everything I make will just go to day care.


I really don’t know what my problem is. This has been my one and only true dream! To be a mom to be the one my kids run to when something is wrong. To give hugs and kisses as needed even if it’s just because they want one. Why is it then that I have this feeling of needing something more? Why do I feel as if I’ve failed in some way?


So to the topic of this post, I have had random burst of energy and have rearranged my house. I have set up the nursery to the best of my ability at the moment (it is also my pantry…it’s a very small room). I have moved my living room and dining room to the opposite rooms and have started to organize Dawnings in a way that she can play throughout the winter without been right under foot. I have helped stack wood and do outdoor clean up to prep for winter. Then the next moment I feel dead to the world and all I want to do is sleep or even just watch TV and not do anything (including taking care of my little girl).


Then of course there’s my anger that seems to come out of nowhere! Dawning can just look at me wrong and I’m yelling. We have had so many battles this week of her just saying momma Momma and I’m telling her to stop and go away and that I don’t want to hear my name again. Of course when I get this way (and even now just writing it) I want to cry. She hit me in the nose yesterday I yelled at her and told her it hurt…She of course doesn’t get hurting others yet and laughed at me. I passed her off and told her to leave me alone. She cried…I left the room to hide and cried too.


The worst reason I’m not sleeping is because my nightmares have come back. I read in the Baby magazine (not sure of the name of it) that pregnant women have dreams that go by what they are to expect when their kids come…Why is it then that I am having nightmares of not Hope getting up every hour or crying nonstop but that she’s dead? Why am I dreaming that I go into labor right after my hubby dies? How do these dreams help me face what Hope is going to like? Is God trying to warn me of something? Is the devil just getting into my head and is trying to tear me down for whatever reason?


Tonight my hubby is doing home work. Dawning is teething that nasty tooth or teeth of hers and is not really sleeping. I thought that I would work on my Sunday school lesson (I know way to put it off). I don’t even know what my problem was but I started to cry. The thing is I wasn’t sad or mad or happy…yet I was crying and laughing at the same time! The tears came first the laughter came as I tried to hide my tears from my hubby.  They poured down my face.


What is wrong with me? Is it just that I’m pregnant or am I going to run right into that awful disease my brother and sister and my daddy have? Can I raise two little girls with that disease? Am I just so tired I can’t function right?